Because i hurt.

I hate failures. I'm not really used to it and I don't want to. Ever.

Today, I got my first failing grade in anatomy. I didn't expect it and now it's breaking my heart. I feel like I'm such a failure and a disappointment for my parents. I hate this feeling. Even if people tell me that it's going to be okay, it's kind of hard for me to believe.

My dad has been working for as long as I can remember to give us a good education. I know I'm being dramatic here but he has some health issues and I feel, especially right now, like I'm being a burden. People might say I'm being overlydramatic, and maybe, I am but it just hurts so bad. So here I am.. venting.

I've never really been grade-conscious. Low grades were never really a concern for me. But, everything changed since I entered med school. I've come to realize that my old study habits(i.e. listen during lectures and only cram few hours during the exams) are not working anymore. I have to really stay up late, give up going home on the weekends before evaluation exams. Most of the time it works, but right now, I feel like my efforts were useless.

- :(

I have a Cristina-Yang complex

Back when we were still kids in Brunei, our family would always go swimming on weekends. I was six or seven back then, and didn't have any idea how to swim. I didn't really care because I swam the 1m pool with these orange floats fitted snugly around my arms. I felt like it was a great achievement. It wasn't after I saw my childhood friend swimming in the same pool without any help from floats and my mother praising her as a great swimmer, that I realized that what I was doing was less than mediocre. That was when I taught myself to really swim.

That was a long time ago but I think I'm still affected with that kind of thinking. That mediocre or just okay is never good. Now that I'm in med school, I can't help but try to be competitive. Unfortunately, it's not working that great for me. I can't even say that my grades are okay. I'm not used to just being average. I know it's wrong and I just have to stop fighting against everyone else; but I can't help it. I think I am Cristina Yang(from Grey's Anatomy) plus a billion more emotions.